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Three Minute Song Chords

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   Bb                            F
My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago
               Bb                         F                       C
Yeah, I’ve got people; and a phone; and a grasp on the passage of time
          Bb                C             Dm    C          Dm
Yeah they rang me up, said “Tim, will you go on Ruth Jones show
     C                                 Bb          F
They want you to sing a song, it’ll be fine, fine, fine”
        Bb                            F
But the problem with my particular œuvre,
        Bb                                   F
Is that half my songs are five minutes and over.
And the wisdom here at the BBC,
Is that viewers switch off if you go past three,
      Bb                                F
And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language,
      Bb                        F
Which causes the viewers untold anguish,
               C                           Dm
It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved,
    Bb             C             F
For pussy puns on ‘Are You Being Served?’.

And so I need a song that only goes for three minutes,
Without no bums or blasphemy in it,
  Dm                                              Bb               C            F
A lovely little song specifically written for the delicate skin of middle-class Britain.
I need a song with a chorus and a verse,
With no nasty-ass cussin’ and a-cursin’,
And I’m a little too lewd and a little too long,
           Bb            C            F
I’ve gotta find myself a three-minute song.

                Bb                              F
And they said, “Remember boy that music is like love-making
                   C                             Dm
it’s simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes.
   Bb                           F
Remember boy that music is like love-making,
Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit…
So you need a song that only goes for three minutes,
Without no pornography or politics in it,
You’re a little verbose and a little bit wrong,
             Bb                            C            F
You’ve gotta find yourself a clean, limit, three-minute song”.

Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute,
With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it,
Something for the telly that never, ever fails,
   Bb                     C   F
To appease the viewers of BBC Wales.

                Dm                Bb        F
And even in the bridge I won’t be lyrically adventurous,
     Bb          F               C
intellectually unmention-ous, or racially contentious,
      Dm                                 Bb             F
And I won’t make double entendres at the expense of the Chinese,
    C                           C7
For China is a country that can bring me to my knees.
Bb                    F
For China, For China, Vagina, Vagina,
  C                           C7
Vagina is a cunt-ry that will bring us to our knees.
Ooh, Mr. Humphries, my pussy is all wet! (Fake laugh) Two… Three… Fore-skin

I need a little happy-clappy country song,
Nice and repetitive and not too long,
Boring enough, but not too boring,
       Bb                 C          D
With a key change here to prevent me snoring.
I need a song that is only three minutes,
Without no buggery or blasphemy in it,
Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm,
      C                          D
Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, get conservative with ‘em.

Instrumental break:
G - D - Em - C D

Oh-oh, I need a song that causes no offense,
To flog more tickets to my concerts,
By convincing the viewer that musical satire,
Hasn’t progressed since Victor Borge,
Em                     C
You’ve got a telly and I want to be in it,
      D                                    G
But apparently you’ll only watch for three minutes.
      C                      D               G
Yeah, apparently you’ll only watch for three…
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