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Bb F My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago Bb F C Yeah, I’ve got people; and a phone; and a grasp on the passage of time Bb C Dm C Dm Yeah they rang me up, said “Tim, will you go on Ruth Jones show C Bb F They want you to sing a song, it’ll be fine, fine, fine” Bb F But the problem with my particular œuvre, Bb F Is that half my songs are five minutes and over. C And the wisdom here at the BBC, C Is that viewers switch off if you go past three, Bb F And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language, Bb F Which causes the viewers untold anguish, C Dm It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved, Bb C F For pussy puns on ‘Are You Being Served?’. F And so I need a song that only goes for three minutes, C Without no bums or blasphemy in it, Dm Bb C F A lovely little song specifically written for the delicate skin of middle-class Britain. F I need a song with a chorus and a verse, C With no nasty-ass cussin’ and a-cursin’, Dm And I’m a little too lewd and a little too long, Bb C F I’ve gotta find myself a three-minute song. Bb F And they said, “Remember boy that music is like love-making C Dm it’s simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes. Bb F Remember boy that music is like love-making, C Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit… F So you need a song that only goes for three minutes, C Without no pornography or politics in it, Dm You’re a little verbose and a little bit wrong, Bb C F You’ve gotta find yourself a clean, limit, three-minute song”. F Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute, C With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it, Dm Something for the telly that never, ever fails, Bb C F To appease the viewers of BBC Wales. Dm Bb F And even in the bridge I won’t be lyrically adventurous, Bb F C intellectually unmention-ous, or racially contentious, Dm Bb F And I won’t make double entendres at the expense of the Chinese, C C7 For China is a country that can bring me to my knees. Bb F For China, For China, Vagina, Vagina, C C7 Vagina is a cunt-ry that will bring us to our knees. N.C. Ooh, Mr. Humphries, my pussy is all wet! (Fake laugh) Two… Three… Fore-skin F I need a little happy-clappy country song, C Nice and repetitive and not too long, Dm Boring enough, but not too boring, Bb C D With a key change here to prevent me snoring. G I need a song that is only three minutes, D Without no buggery or blasphemy in it, Em Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm, C D Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, get conservative with ‘em. Instrumental break: G - D - Em - C D G Oh-oh, I need a song that causes no offense, D To flog more tickets to my concerts, Em By convincing the viewer that musical satire, C Hasn’t progressed since Victor Borge, Em C You’ve got a telly and I want to be in it, D G But apparently you’ll only watch for three minutes. C D G Yeah, apparently you’ll only watch for three…